Milestone TWO

I do not imagine this is some kind of terminal diagnosis to which there is no treatment. It is something that I am aware of. Something that can be beneficial in some situations but, when it comes to the little everyday moments, it is something that needs to be overcome.

So far, what I have learnt is that not every tool in your toolbox get as much use as the other. Some come out every day and others, are yet to have their moment in the spotlight.

If I could step into the shoes of someone else, then it would be them that is poor received. It would be them that would fail. If I cannot meet whatever fantasy of what it is be a creative, then it would not be me who is at a loss.

I thought I had overcome such habits but, as I find myself falling victim to them yet again, I am reminded that 'you do not rise to the level of your goals but…

What I am learning now is that creativity is a flower that needs light, connection and a little bit of bravery to grow.

What the exercise showed me was that, sometimes we claim failure when it is not necessary. Choices I once blamed myself for, became the reasons for my successes at later points.

Something I find both beautiful and unfortunate about art is that once it has been created, it has a way of taking on its own life. Like a living being, your art could either bring joy, anger, disinterest or peace to those that perceive it. Once it's done, it's done. It is what it is, and now comes the part that leaves most artworks unfinished.

Maybe that's why I found myself making a choice that would be considered silly on a regular Monday night. However, in the feeling of all that was happening, it wasn't a Monday. It was a day I was just doing something that I wanted to do. No sense of a calendar dictating how a day is to be lived.

On day 10 I was entertained by the obsessive cycles of thought that come before I ever sit down to write any of these articles. The passive background thoughts sifting through ideas trying to find appropriate phrasing or value in ordinary moments.

All of this is an experiment. There is nothing set in stone.

It's crazy how social influence can make you think you want things that you hated.

Perhaps environments do not define who we are, perhaps they only define how we are treated.

Eventually, I decided to accept that people were going to stare and wonder what my deal was regardless. This acceptance was likely one of the major catalysts towards this self. However, now, in this new environment, I feel so hyper aware of my how I am being perceived.

When I put that goal on my vision board, I certainly did not see this experience as the way through which I would make progress in French learning. However, wanting for something is truly the first step. The possibilities and avenues through which those goals are realised are only a result of time.

It is currently past my bedtime but, I have to fulfil a promise I made to myself and those of you who have come back for this entry. This marks week one.

I had the privilege of catching a beautiful sunrise this morning but, I only felt angry at the sun for shining. How dare the day be so beautiful when my heart is heavy and my mind is frazzled?!

Turns out, today is one of those days. However, I am not the girl I was many years ago. Today, I showed up. Though I did not and still do not feel up to it, I have done my best and I will end my day knowing, I did all I could.

By starting this challenge, only a day after the idea came to me, I have reduced the time between ideation and execution. Living in the execution, I find myself feeling a little baffled, wondering how I will possibly spend the next 88 days.

I look forward to discovering what this journey will bring. If you’ve got something you have been thinking about starting, why not start today and let’s see what becomes of these first 30 days.