008. existing publicly
It's crazy how quickly a mood can change.
Over the last few hours, I have just found myself feeling a little deflated.
Today I was daring and walked a little a further. I found myself approaching the highway wondering where the pedestrian paths were. My city back home has recently become more walkable. I never really walked around much prior to the developments but, it was definitely more walkable. Of course, I am comparing a capital to what feels like an urban village, so, I suppose my argument holds little water.
The things I feared came to pass today. There was even a moment when a small black van stopped to get my attention, I thought that was it for me and my freedom. I began to fantasize of the stories I would tell once I had escaped my kidnapper. Luckily, that is not the reality that was realised. I proceeded with my walk and a few more cars yelled some words at me. At some point, a man kept shouting at me 'tu veux quoi', when I left the little store without having had bought anything.
All that in the space of an hour's adventure - crazy.
When I started mentally writing this, I thought it would centre around this sense of isolation that was beginning to creep in. Then, I remembered a LinkedIn email notification that I had forgotten to follow up on - an old flatmate reached out. I won't lie to you, she made blush. I guess flattery is the quickest way to win someone over and boost their mood.
A few weeks ago, I read a post on LinkedIn. In it, the writer talks about how your work's growth will not come from your family or friends. The gist of the post was basically that your family and friends will likely read, like and even repost your work, however, most of these actions come as a result of sheer obligation. Not to say that some of your work will not resonate with your immediate circle but, rather to make sure you do not forget that your circle does not define your audience so, do not be too harsh on your circle more so, do not be too harsh on yourself if you do not have success in the friends and family round.
Before my family comes for me, I would like to say that I reference this to draw parallel to the new environment where I find myself. All of a sudden, I feel like those people who talk about how the grew up in small backwards towns - a place were kinship was hard to come by.
It is possible that I may be reading too much into a nothing. However, in a world where it is already tough to find your place and your people, I cannot help but find myself feeling a little isolated and wanting to turn inwards and look away. Alas, that is not the kind of person I am or am wanting to become so, I needn't waste time entertaining thoughts that have nothing to do with me because, tomorrow, we go again.
Life is simply much bigger than this little moment in which I find myself. Turns out, there are people out there who are reading all of these little thoughts of mine. Beyond that, there are people who feel so moved as to reach out after so many years just to tell me that my words resonated.
I have lived in pools of like mind people where I faded into the background, I have lived in pools of people where I stood out too much, so, I sent to the back and buried in conformity. Perhaps environments do not define who we are, perhaps they only define how we are treated.
I cannot believe I'm back in one of those spaces where I feel like simply being me is the problem. I really don't like it - my eyes water. However, I simply exist publicly and there is no other way to be, so, I must be. In this moment, tears roll. However, I smile knowing I am not alone and perhaps 'this is happening for us', not ‘to us’.
I am yet to discover what I do not know so, tomorrow, I will allow myself to let go of any expectation and simply be. At last, I can say I have done my best and I will end my day knowing I did all I could.
I hope you come back tomorrow for day 9.
