009. my journey is my own
I guess it's that time of day again.
I have not really felt quite like myself today. For the last few days, I feel as though I have been trying to fill the void that is writers block. Even with some of the lows of the days past, I feel as though there was 'more' there. Today however, feels like I am just surviving to make it to the next day. I guess today is another one of those days.
Today, one thing that I am grateful for is the understanding that my journey is my own.
Some months ago, at an evening hang with some friends, I remember the conversation turning towards the struggles of life and work. At the time, I was not formally employed so I could not give much input towards the struggles of being in an office environment, more so, a toxic one. I had the liberty of a schedule dictated by me and for me. There was no one with whom I shared accountability and, that alienated me from the conversation - almost even vilified me.
I found myself trying to draw on references from a past life where I had a boss and shared accountability. Nothing worked, I simply did not represent a real person to my friends anymore. In their eyes, I imagine I was simply a girl floating through life with no awareness of the strife of life. Of course, that was not true, but like we have previously discussed on this platform, 'if someone wants to misunderstand you, they will simply do just that'.
The truth is, I simply cannot and could not understand an experience I was not going through. Though I could relate to it and call up memories of times when I too shared those struggles, in that moment, unless I sat at their desk, shared their routine, boss and workload, there was simply no way for me to fit in shoes that were not made for me. Stories of a past life would not suffice in a space where present struggles were being discussed.
Unfortunately, as the only self-employed person who was sat at that table, my journey was dismissed as optional problems. Chances are, many of you reading this will not relate or be able to understand that experience either and quite simply, it is not for you to understand. That is what I learnt when as we were all getting up and getting ready to make our ways home - that journey, that story, was not meant for me to understand. Trying to understand would only serve as a mere distraction on the path I was choosing.
Honestly, I don't know why I chose and continue to choose this life but, if you have been reading along, I am sure the answer is likely repeated in there several times. However, in this moment where I feel like letting it all go, I am reminded of the relief I felt when I realised that story was no longer meant for me to understand.
When I walked away, I realised I was fighting to relate to a life I wanted no part in. Trying my best to recall stories of myself at my worst point just so I could feel as though I had something to share in that moment. Periods of my life that had me living in shadows. It's crazy how social influence can make you think you want things that you hated.
I do not know where this journey will go but I know that I fought to get to this point. Yes, today feels heavy and I do not feel all the way there, but I know that whatever tomorrow brings, I will try. For this journey is my own so I shall walk it at my own pace.
Thank you so much for giving me your time of day. From the bottom of heart, I truly appreciate it, thank you. Today, I have done my best and, I hope you give yourself the grace to end your day knowing that you have done all that you could because, I know I personally I need that grace today.
I hope you are back here tomorrow for milestone 1, ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I cannot believe it, my feet are happy dancing, DAY 10!!!!
