007. Repeated Glances
Another late night.
I guess if I am losing sleep, it is better lost to time with friends.
This morning was a success! When my alarm went off, I snoozed, then, got myself ready and went for a walk. Began to acquaint myself with my new neighbourhood, I got one or two ‘bonjours’, a lot more interaction that I get on my walks back home but, I was also out a little later.
After my walk, I spent all day indoors. Over the course of the last year, I became quite enamoured with the great outdoors. Not necessarily the wilderness, just outside - anywhere that is not a box and the air flows free. So, for me to spend the day indoors, it has become a thing associated with illness.
I consider myself to be a shy person. Of course, no one believes that because apparently, I am a confident person. However, I do not believe that takes away from the shyness I feel when certain situations are presented to me. For the longest time I was afraid to spend time in the communal areas of my neighbourhood back home because I was afraid the children that used the areas would notice and ridicule me. I think my anxieties were valid considering how mean children can be and how I have been treated by children in the past. Granted I was a child at those times but, it doesn’t really take away the remnants of those experiences.
Eventually, I decided to accept that people were going to stare and wonder what my deal was regardless. This acceptance was likely one of the major catalysts towards this self. However, now, in this new environment, I feel so hyper aware of my how I am being perceived.
Reality is, I cannot know how I am being perceived. All I know is, if someone has a set of functional eyes and I cross their line of vision, it is highly likely that I will be perceived. I suppose I could always ask, however, I cannot stop a bus full of passengers to ask them why they decided to give me so much attention as the bus was coming to stop. I could but, I won't. I do not aspire to have that kind of audacity. So instead, I must simply exist.
In the places I have lived, my existence tends to warrant attention. I know my sister avoids outside for that very reason - exhaustion from all the stares. In my neighbourhood, I am sure the locals have gotten used to me by now so, they pay me little attention. However, I have started anew and, in my efforts to look around and absorb my environment, I couldn't help but notice the repeated glances.
Sometime ago, I watched a video outlining some of the ways to know if the society around you considers you attractive. One of the indicators was repeated glances. Though I enjoy the flattery, emotional scars from childhood argue otherwise. Perhaps it would be nice if I believed that but, I would then likely fear someone would just snatch me off the street to keep me as decoration in their home. Instead, I walk around wondering if there is something disturbing on me that warrants any looks.
Over the last year, I have grown into a version of myself many past selves would not recognise but would aspire to. For that, I am grateful. Until now, this version of myself had not been put to test in any other environment. Now, I am reminded of the anxieties that come along with being me.
Earlier, a friend of a friend, told me I had a beautiful smile. No, I do not walk the streets with a smile on my face but, it made me feel a little less like an alien.
Today, I conquered the morning, and I suppose I seized the day as well. I definitely did not know where I was going but, I went anyways. I did my best and I am excited to end my day knowing I did all I could. For now, I will let go of all my worries and anxieties, for I know tomorrow is a new day with exciting opportunities on the way.
I hope you are back here tomorrow to share a little moment on this journey through life.
