017. Scattered Thoughts
I am currently unsure if it easier to write when I have a million thoughts racing for first place or when my mind is clear and I'm hoping a thought arises.
Some time ago, I heard that 'creativity isn't random inspiration, it's a strategic process…innovation can be engineered, creativity can be scheduled and, breakthroughs can be manufactured.'
When you are staring at a blank canvas wondering where to start, this notion almost feels like an accusation, like why can't you make something happen. This is an experience I know all too well. Especially now, as I write this, trying to figure out what I could possibly write about yet again.
I suppose most of us are just starting and seeing what happens. In a world filled with beautiful final products, this part, the messy middle, is one that sees little attention. However, without it, there would be no beautiful final finished product.
My fear of perception is one that I am certain has held me back many times in the past. Alone, I am sure that with enough effort, it is a fear that could be overcome. However, this fear has never existed alone. For some beautiful reason, this fear has always been coupled with a strong fear of success.
A notion that has inspired much of my bravery as of late is that 'the worst thing that could happen is nothing'. My cousin and I say this to each other often when we feel unsure about whether we should try for something. It is a comforting idea that if you try, then worst case scenario is you end up exactly where you started - nothing lost, nothing gained.
Now, as I practice putting myself out there and I receive positive feedback, I am reminded of how those two little fears have danced around in my mind causing me to start something only to let go when the pressure of perception starts to creep in. Unfortunately for that part me that wants to cave into the pressure, I will not be letting myself off that easily this time around. So, I find myself here, fighting the blocks that are created when one of my anxieties is the very thing that I hope for.
I spent much of my formative years as an outcast. In university, the story didn't change much, I was an outsider looking in. My attempts to blend in and find a space often fell short and were of course, unsustainable. Eventually, I let go. Accepted my place as an outsider and, I accepted it as myself - no facades.
Years later, I am not that person anymore. I am secure in myself and, I am secure in my relationships. I am surrounded by kind, beautiful and loving souls. For this, I am grateful. We may look at each other like we're crazy sometimes but, we are who we are. I do not fear their judgement; I do not fear their rejection. We may not always agree but, we are who we are and there is love, there is respect, and there is admiration.
When you're sitting alone, wondering what parts of you need to change in order for you to find your place, it's hard to imagine that persevering as yourself is the solution. Being well received as yourself becomes a thing of fantasy. You only continue because trying to be anything or anyone else hurts more than being as you are.
If I could step into the shoes of someone else, then it would be them that is poor received. It would be them that would fail. If I cannot meet whatever fantasy of what it is be a creative, then it would not be me who is at a loss. It would be a character I was putting on for the day that would be met with failure. I would remain safe, unperceived and without any success.
If I try, I face the risk of being perceived, I face the risk of being known. For some reason, that makes every key stroke even scarier. For that reason, creativity then seems harder to reach for. I find myself intimidated by the person I am trying to become. She seems so cool and has everything figured out.
As I sit in the messy middle, wondering how innovation can be engineered and creativity can be scheduled, I can only try my best. Try and find comfort in knowing that persevering as myself is the only solution.
Today, it doesn't feel like the worst thing that could happen is nothing. So, on days like these I will remind myself that no matter how much the cool and confident future self may intimidate me, I would much rather be her than a version of myself that never allowed herself to try for something.
Getting to this point is always a journey. However, when I get to this point, I feel much gratitude and relief for continuing to try and write. Now finally, I can say that I have done my best and end my day knowing I did all that I could. I can only hope that this journey is a little smoother tomorrow but, if it's not, I'm not bothered, it always makes the destination that much more enjoyable.
Thank you for coming along with me as I try to piece together what often feel like scattered thoughts. I hope you are back here tomorrow to see what breakthroughs my mind will try to manufacture.
