016. Systems
Lately, I feel as though I have fallen into some bad habits that are echoing throughout my days.
For some reason, I have found myself more and more, choosing to press play on videos or movies over an hour long after 1am. I thought I had overcome such habits but, as I find myself falling victim to them yet again, I am reminded that 'you do not rise to the level of your goals but, fall to the level of your systems'.
Having had made a big move recently, the systems that created an easy default to good decisions, are no longer as easily accessible as they once were. I find myself reaching for my phone more than I have in recent months. I suppose my brain is in some kind of limbo state where it is trying to fill in the gaps with whatever random information the algorithms can serve at those given moments.
I am not sure if there was any active effort I had to make to ensure that my days looked the ways they did. I know, to start, I had to fix my sleep. Falling asleep and waking up whenever made it difficult to align with the world around me. If I wanted to hang with friends, I couldn't be up at 12pm as it would just push our interactions late into the night and since I was lucky enough to be surrounded by employed people, the day was just a better time for interactions. Plus, business hours remain business hours regardless of the time I choose to wake.
Lately, with no plans and nowhere to be, it has just not felt like there is a point in sleeping or waking up at a good time. However, as I find myself feeling a little lost and disoriented throughout the day, I am reminded there was more to my choosing to fix my sleep than spending time with friends.
Though I may spend the same amount of time awake, I have found that I have a sense of feeling as though I have had more time in my day when I am up with the sunrise. Lately, I have felt a little more hesitant to start my day knowing the world outside my door is not the one I have gotten used to. Unfortunately, this delay in my mornings has caused a delay in my evenings. My lunch comes later, so does my dinner then, my sleep, which only results in a later wake time causing the cycle to start all over again.
I have spent my whole day with tired eyes trying to make sense of the pixels on my screens, fighting the urge to go back to sleep and call it day and, wondering how I can resolve this predicament I find myself in.
This project came as a result of sleepless nights where I was haunted by my inaction. Eventually, by finding something to do that felt like I was doing something, rest started to come. I could go to sleep trusting that what was not completed today, would be completed tomorrow or, the tomorrow after that. Somewhere along the way, habits formed and systems emerged that made it easier to take the next step towards the big goal.
I had not realised how much of that growth was attached to the environment I was in until just now, in this new environment. A place where things that were becoming second nature feel hard to reach.
Perhaps I am spending too much time focusing on what is lacking and I should be more like my sister and allow myself to let go and disconnect from the environment in which the habits were formed so, I can focus on the value provided by the habits.
Reality is, that environment in which my old systems flourished is distant. If I continue to try and force systems into an environment that is not conducive, I only waste energy that would be better spent elsewhere. If I overly define myself as being a certain kind of way, I similarly limit myself, and my potential to adapt to a new environment that could hold many opportunities and the potential for new systems that could enable my growth.
No, this does not mean I now sleep at 4am and wake up at 1pm. It simply means that the rigidity that I had begun to define myself with will no longer work.
It is hard to let go considering the long months it took me to find this current definition of myself. However, I know if I do not allow myself to create new habits and systems that better align with my environment, I will find myself wondering why I did not take the opportunity to grow when I had it. Plus, I already have those systems structured and documented, if I need to return to them, I will find my way.
For now, it's time to create some new habits that both align with my new environment and the person I am wanting to become.
Wow! Week FOUR!! We've still got a long way to go, but any new day is an opportunity to try again, one that is worthy of acknowledgement and celebration. So, thank you for joining along on this experience and let us continue to see where this journey leads as we continue to do our best to ensure we can end our days knowing we have done all we could.
I hope you are back here tomorrow for day 17! I am excited to see what it will uncover.
