015. Linework

Is it easier to not want something than to face the rejection of not getting it?

At some point, I had to learn to be comfortable with being alone. At first, I was haunted by my loneliness. Living in a space of longing for connection that seemed to not want me was exhausting. I felt like I was window-shopping through life. So, I had to let that go. Accept that not everything is for everyone and, connection was one of those things that simply was not for me.

Dining alone used to be nerve racking. I always felt like all the people in groups were looking at me in pity. Thinking of me as some kind of social pariah. Though, what was I to do if I wanted to enjoy any aspect of my life?

Today, I decided I would go on an adventure to find myself a matcha latte. I searched 'matcha' on maps and, I was able to find a few cafes within walking distance. I was pleasantly surprised considering back home, the matcha supply remains scarce. The café I found was tiny, with a few places to sit so, I ended up sharing a table with a group of young ladies that were likely working on a uni project. 

Looking around this tiny café, with 7 small tables and the one big 8-seater table that I was on, I noticed that everyone was on their laptops looking busy. 6 out of the 8 tables were there on solo adventures like myself. They all seemed to have a similar style, so I guess that was just the vibe of the café or, the vibe people who go there.

As has become standard procedure on my little solo outings, I pulled out my book and started reading. For some reason, I became hyper aware of myself. For a moment, I wondered and maybe hoped a little, if someone would notice me reading and think I was cool enough to approach, and a conversation would ensue. I found myself getting distracted by my thoughts, so I stopped, put my book away and moved on to sketchbook. For me, drawing or painting has a way of muting or streamlining my thoughts. It's hard to explain but, I feel a little less self-conscious. 

At some point, a lady and her mom joined the table. They had their teas and cakes, then, just as they were about to leave, the lady interrupted me to ask if I had a website or Instagram. She explained that she wanted to promote my work as she couldn't help but notice my sketching and she really enjoyed my linework. Honestly, I was mind-blown.

Though such a thought had briefly crossed my mind earlier, living in the experience of it was…beautiful. 

She spoke to me about her work; the t-shirt prints she creates and her photography. It felt like everything. In that moment, I felt like the Unnamed Project was coming to life. Becoming a part of the world and interacting with other creatives.

I want to be able to create work that is reflective of the fact that live in a society. Work that is honest in its inspiration.

Those periods of isolation were some of most uninspired times in my life. There was no light or colour in my life for me to dip into when it came time to put brush to canvas. I felt so disconnected from the beauty of the world so much so that when I tried to create, I saw no point in trying.

What I am learning now is that creativity is a flower that needs light, connection and a little bit of bravery to grow. Learning to be comfortable with oneself is important. Without that comfort, creation just becomes duplication. However, with a little bravery, we can allow ourselves to take focus of the things that speak out to us. Things that other people would likely not notice but, would enjoy experiencing if shown.

We ended up speaking about my 0.05 pen and, for those who know me personally, they know that those pens are my best friends. She didn't know they existed and now, I'm sure she will be looking for them. I look forward to seeing the work she creates when she finds them. Maybe one day we will reconnect. Maybe one day, we will work on something together. Those are things only time can tell.

Not wanting something you want seems easier than rejection. However, in so doing, you only assure that your first rejection comes from you.

Existing publicly is nerve racking but, there is no other way to exist. It may take time but, eventually your people will find you and the only way to make sure that happens is if you're brave enough to do the things you want to do.

Dear reader, the weekend is finally upon us. I hope you allow yourself to sit through the fear and anxiety as you do something you want to do.  

I didn't quite meet my goal of writing before noon this week but, next week brings new opportunities. Until then, I can say, today, I have done my best and I shall end my week knowing I did all I could.