011. Ruminating
Today is a day like any other.
I launched myself out of bed and I got on with it.
This moment is like every other moment where I try. A little hesitation but, with each keystroke, something happens.
Looking at everything else I have written thus far, it almost seems like it was easy to get those words out. I guess when comparing, things always find a way of seeming better, though, I know the reality was much different.
In the movies, the writers working on their novels always seem to have a page open where they spend all day rewriting a singular sentence and adjusting fonts. Right now, I feel like I am them. Trying to do something just so I can say or feel like I am doing something. In truth, I am sifting through opening thoughts trying to find the one with the longest thread to pull on.
My hopes are that this is the one. Unfortunately, these are things that I can only know when the thought is done. Until then, this thought is also at risk of ctrl + A + delete.
On day 10 I was entertained by the obsessive cycles of thought that come before I ever sit down to write any of these articles. The passive background thoughts sifting through ideas trying to find appropriate phrasing or value in ordinary moments. Then as the day's end approaches, I find myself trying to find the thought that will take the lead.
Quite often, the ideas that spend the day circling my mind never make it to the keyboard. I often find myself swept up in whatever idea comes at the moment of writing. However, at those times I tend to have this feeling of 'if not now, then when' and I simply cannot allow myself to let the day end without producing a piece of written work. So, whatever nerves or block I feel I must simply work through.
Today somehow feels harder than all the days past. Today I have taken away the option of the late-night writing session. Decided that I wanted to see what my mind could produce in the early hours of the day - learn that tone. Yet, I find myself feeling as though I have not had enough time to ruminate in my thoughts.
Considering the poor sleep I am currently running on as a result of those obsessive thoughts, I would say no, I have had enough time rumination time. Yet somehow, the hesitation and lag seems, more.
So having had conquered what were my biggest challenges in the first hours of waking, I have to now remind myself that I am here to try my best, and today, is a day like any other.
No matter how much time I can spend contemplating a moment, only that moment is that moment. There is nothing I can do beyond live in it when the time arrives.
Perhaps this is when I learn that I work better in the later hours of the day, but, to learn that, I must allow myself to go through this first. I have to put in real effort for me to know if that is true. As it is only day one, let's consider this, melting the ice.
I feel so much lighter as I feel this thought coming to its end.
Today, I will be out exploring. Tomorrow I imagine I will be writing my entry from another city - I am super excited. Today, I have started with my best foot forward and I plan on keeping that momentum because when I put my head down to rest tonight, I want to be able to say that I did all I could.
Thank you so much for coming back for Week THREE! I hope you come back and visit this little pocket of the internet again tomorrow.
