012. Winding Roads
‘Do you like the reason why you are tired?’
My plans of writing in the early hours of the day were completely derailed when I fell into a late-night media binge. My binge carried me into the early hours of the morning and when I heard that statement as I was already trading my rest for consumption, I pondered, and, I continued.
In my choosing to continue watching, I was choosing to give away my early morning hours to sleep. I figured it was a bank holiday, and I was enjoying my 'now' so much so, that I let go of my responsibilities. I figured, let it be.
Lately, I have been tired. The kind of tiredness that sleep lone cannot resolve. So, when I found a moment of quite, a little pocket of time that felt as though it only belonged to me, it felt justified to take it. Of course, in the moment, the guilt was something I choosing to face head on.
This morning as the hours neared noon, I was reminded that the only person I was accountable to was myself. To a degree, it was freeing. However, the feeling I felt myself trying to navigate was that of disappointment. Trying to explain to myself why and how I let the deadline slip. I suppose, these things happen. The day starts and in a matter of moments, it gets away from you. You find yourself wondering how you got so far from the plans you had set for the day.
Just as I was sitting down to have breakfast, the phone rings and without any thought or preparation; shoes, cap, keys and straight out the door. Quickly, grab a banana just to make sure I'm not running on empty. Those were the kinds of memories I used to bargain my way out of disappointment, and in the end, I just found myself feeling bummed that I had missed the deadline. Instead, I allowed myself to understand that just because the phone didn't ring and I wasn’t rushed out of the house doesn't mean there wasn't a feeling that needed to be tended to just as urgently.
Perhaps it was a feeling of loss of control. Maybe that's why I found myself making a choice that would be considered silly on a regular Monday night. However, in the feeling of all that was happening, it wasn't a Monday. It was a day I was just doing something that I wanted to do. No sense of a calendar dictating how a day is to be lived. I was just a girl doing what she wanted, when she wanted.
I suppose a later date could have presented a better opportunity for a late-night binge but, some moments choose you.
Noon came and went, and I found myself on an adventure. Driving up winding roads trying to live in, and capture the moment with an overdue deadline hanging over my head; all while wondering if I liked the reason I was tired.
In a world defined by comparison, I found myself hesitant to share my experiences and perspectives of life as I deemed them mundane or ordinary. Today, driving up winding roads into the clouds, overlooking the city as the sun set behind the mountains, I felt privileged to be able to experience life. I gawked at the sights as my companions merely glanced and moved on. To them, it was mundane and ordinary.
Since the start of this sojourn, I have not been able to see the sunrise, and I had not yet seen the sun set. The days have just come and gone merely defined by light. Something that had once become so mundane, felt like a privilege again today.
I had been spending my days unable to understand why I was tired. Unable to justify it but continually wanting rest - lacking interest in the goings of the world around me. Today, in the quiet of the mountains, surrounded by the warmth of companionship, I felt the feeling of being - existence justified.
In a world defined by comparison, every moment could always be spent doing something else. However, we are only ever in the moment we are in.
When I first heard that statement, the ease that allowed me to fall into that binge was being contrasted by sleep I thought would be better for me. Without that binge, I wouldn't have stumbled into the stream of thought that allowed me to find peace in the day that followed it. Without that statement, the tiredness I feel as I write this would have been anchored in frustration of how the day imaged didn't match the day lived.
I like the reason why I am tired - I wanted to watch my show. I like the reason why I'm tired - I couldn't sleep in as long as I would have wanted because I wanted to write. I like the reason why I'm tired - I had to get up and feed my body. I like the reason why I'm tired - I couldn't spend all day sleeping because there was much life to be lived. I like the reason why I'm tired, because after all that, I made it back here to fulfil a promise.
And no, let's not trade our sleep for pointless sleepless nights. Please make sure you are allowing your body time to rest and recover - your livelihood depends on it. However, when you find yourself resisting sleep, maybe pause to ask yourself if you like the reason why you're tired. Be patient, be kind and remember, there is more to rest than sleep.
Thank you so much for coming back to my little thought bubble. My heart warms knowing there is someone sharing this moment with me, so, thank you. I have now done all that I could today and tomorrow, I hope you are back here to share another moment with me as we continue to try and do our best on this journey through life.
