004. Shadows

Some emotions truly cast a shadow.

Today I was asked if this was a journal. No, this is not a journal, at least it is not meant to be. I am still figuring out what it is but, with the nature of writing, I suppose it boarders journalling. However, this is simply not how I journal so, I do not consider it one.

Unfortunately, for the last 3 days, I have only been able to carve out the time towards the end of the day, so my words then carry the emotional journeys travelled throughout the day, and today, I felt like I was a passenger in my own life.  

I have been told I have a lot of energy. This label of having a lot of energy seems to be one that refuses to escape me. I genuinely do not see myself as having a lot of energy because, my energy is simply that - how I present myself. So, for it to then be considered a lot…I don't see it. However, on days like these, I can feel my own absence, and I cannot help but judge myself for it a little bit.

During the weight of my depression back in university, I noticed how much my low energy almost had a 'vacuumous' effect - if I was down, the people around me would fall too. Out of respect, I learnt to distance myself. Only really made myself available at mealtimes just for proof of life purposes. However, I would then feel so guilty as I feared my low mood would lower the moods of those around me.

I suppose that is when I discovered somewhere deep within, I had some energy reserves stored away. So, at mealtimes, I would then perform the happy girl. I would watch an imposter laugh and smile then, when my door closed, all the colour would fade away. This was honestly so exhausting. I would then hate myself for not truly being that version of myself I was performing. I would then feel resentment for those around me as I held them accountable for a performance I was choosing to display.  

There are so many versions of myself that I would like to go back to and give a hug but, I do not like physical contact so, that simply would not fare well. Either way, I wouldn't be who I am today if it were not for all the trails past selves conquered. So, to my past selves, I offer no sympathy, only respect and gratitude. 

Somewhere along the way I noticed how much harm those performances did. At a time when I was already low, I would then give myself more reason to turn the negativity inward - hate myself for hating for myself. So, I stopped. I learnt to say that I was not in best space, learnt to say that I was having a low day, learnt to accept that not every day can be lived on a high.

Today was my first day in my new environment where I did not show up as the girl I am sure my colleagues have grown familiar with. I tried my best to put a smile of my face when someone interacted with me, but I still felt as though I left myself at home. Now, at the end of the day, I feel not only like I survived but, I conquered.

I had the privilege of catching a beautiful sunrise this morning but, I only felt angry at the sun for shining. How dare the day be so beautiful when my heart is heavy and my mind is frazzled?! When the clouds came in the afternoon, I felt as though I was being rewarded - I felt comforted. When it's gloomy, I feel like it’s socially acceptable to be a little down in the dumps so, I had my excuse, though I did not need one.

Goodness, I feel so grateful. I do not know what has happened in the course of writing this, but I feel as though I am moving out of that shadow a little. Without any performance, I was able to sit in silence with a friend and shared little laughs with colleagues. On days like this I am reminded, there is so much light in this world, sometimes we have to find ourselves in the shadows for us to see it truly shine.

And no, this is not a journal entry. It is a reminder that life only goes in one direction so, this too shall pass. Finally, I can say I have done my best and I will end my day knowing, I did all I could. 

Thank you for coming back, I hope you come back tomorrow. :)