086. A New

The eve of a new age.

I feel like I’m supposed to feel something. The older I keep getting, there more I am starting to think that that in its entirety, is all there is to be felt. An ever-looming state expectation.

Around birthdays and new years, the days always feel as though they are meant to have so much meaning. Be a part of something grander, moments for pause that build the grander image of whatever life is supposed to be. However, I have never liked this sole focus on a singular day. This pressure for a single moment in time to be grander than every other. A demand for that moment to top every other moment thus far as it marks the momentous occasion that is your birth.

Another 365 days marking the day I first drew breathe. The day I was extracted from my mother womb. That day is near, and the number I say when I answer the question ‘how old are you’, will get a little larger. I am not sure I am ready for it; it feels too soon.

Another year has come and gone and my focus is drawn yet again to the passage of time. A big part of me wants to cry. I think it’s well deserved. Waterworks to usher in a new day. A flood to the cleanse the path and make for a new road to walk. Letting go of yesterday’s burdens and defining a new light.

This year turned out to grander than I would have been capable of imagining this time last year. All I can remember, without having had done proper reflection, is that I was at a point in my life where are to grow from. In a year, I believe I have managed to put enough distance between myself and that place I was in, perhaps even enough space to feel as though I have grown.

Now with a new year on the horizon, I know that what can be accomplished in a year is not something to be underestimated. In knowing that, I know that with enough focused intention and a little follow-through, the limitations that define my reality do not have to constrain me tomorrow.

So yes, I do want to a cry. It has been a long journey to this realisation, one that seems so easy to understand, but has taken years to build the skills necessary to navigate it.

Years ago, I used to hope only for a birthday were I would not cry. A birthday that was not a sad day. A day not filled with the torment of how I was not where I was wanting to be in life. My birthdays was once a day I dreaded, waiting for every minute of it to be over so I could be free of the agony of expectation.

This year, is different. This year, tears present the opportunity to fully express a feeling. This year there is no expectation or anticipation or a moment grander than the moment life begins. This, tears are a celebration of a life lived. So, I don’t know what this new year will bring, but I have a few things I hope to see come to life and I cannot wait to work towards bringing them to life.

Tomorrow a new day begins, and I look forward to living it.

I hope you are enjoying the start of your week. I look forward to sharing with you the tales that tomorrow uncovers.