068. 500 Words

Lately, I have been ending my days with my Full Send entries, today, I would like to start the day with them.

I wrote that sentence when I thought I had a moment to spare. As quickly as I got to writing that sentence, as quickly it was gone. Fascinating how that happens.

For a moment I thought why not start afresh in a new textbox and move on like it didn’t happen. Find a new place to start and follow that thought. Well, I really thought it for a moment, then I remembered how tough it can be just to reach those few words.

There are a lot of moments where I pause. Attempts I leave halfway in hopes of finding the right one a few spaces down. It’s hard to accept this sort of reduction. This 500 word minimum. Honestly, I tried to find other ways to say it without having to say it but yea, that’s where I find myself.

All I can think about is how much this entry is on the verge of sounding like the one from yesterday but, that’s how much this plays on my mind. It feels like a failing.

Lately, I have been repeating the phrase ‘the only way out is through’.

It does feel like a failing, and I want to be able to talk about that because, it’s okay. I am far from failure, but it does not stop the feeling. I can argue with myself that I am still here, showing up, but, it is not in the way I had intended; in the way I had imagined.

Yet, as I sit here, fighting to find these words so I can stay true to the promise I once made myself, I am reminded why I cannot get lost in the failings. It’s easy to meditate on the failings, get lost in them. Fall into cycles of how it will all spiral. Lose the want for even trying.

But, some days are just reminders. Some days are spent in preparation for another day. Resting, practicing, whatever it may be, the day is merely a step towards another day.

I know, there is a day were I will start an entry, and just go for it. Spend my day in a way I am only capable of imagining now. Move through my day with flow and ease. I know there will be a day I will be capable of moving with and grace throughout my day because I am doing whatever little I can do today.

I near the 500 word minimum and I feel at ease. I feel as though I have truly put my best foot forward and tried my best. My best here is not what it once was. With that, I will have to live with. I will have to accept and understand that for me to give my energy to one thing, it must be taken away from another. And simply, that is okay.

Life is full of wonder. Do not be afraid to fill your life holding onto standards that were meant to help your grow.

Perhaps once, I needed that space for my thoughts to branch out, and I aspire to continue to give myself that space. However, now, I’m just here to keep a commitment and see what I can achieve when the bar is ‘only’ 500 words.