It’s hard not to get caught up in your yesterday.
It’s going to be a slight adjustment to this set up. Usually, I write these entries on the note app. It gives me the space I need to branch out if there ever be a need. More often than not, there isn’t any branching out, only just trying to find the thought again a few spaces down, in a new text box. Without that little text box, this feels like it has to be a little more intentional. However, today is a new day.
For a good period of the day, scattered out into little pockets, I just felt a way. I am not fully sure how to even describe the feeling but, it was one fighting for space with another all while having to hover, be present, and reactive.
I would like to be honest. I have put myself under a lot of pressure and I have no one to blame but myself, and my inability to find rest.
For much of this 90-day journey, I was in a sort of stasis. Present, but not there. There wasn’t much to fill my days. The Full Send acted as a sort of anchor to a past self’s hope of who I aspire to be. When there wasn’t any regularity or normalcy in my life, this allowed me to remember a time when there was.
Now, here I am. In that life I wanted so much to be a part of and to discover. The only difference between this and the fantasy is that it is real, it is everything. Everything and more than I would have ever thought imaginable. Nothing spectacular, just a life with places to be. A life with things to aspire for. A life with things to change, things that I cannot accept.
A few months ago, when I was weighed down by an inexplicable exhaustion, I would not have thought myself capable of living the days I live now. Even though a past self had already set path, at the time, I was only where I was, and anything else was a theory. Yet, I am here, somehow, I have made it back here - trying to fulfil promises I made to myself.
I don’t know what it is about getting closer to a deadline that creates this sort of slowing tension. However, I simply cannot allow that tension to stir and fester. I am only at the start of my journey.
When I first imagined reaching my aspirations, I don’t think I really took the time to think about how I would reach them. In truth, I just wanted for something and hoped the rest would figure itself out along the way. I didn’t realise that I, here in this moment would be the one doing the figuring out. Managing work and life so I can make back into on time to get good rest so that I can get back to it the next day. Being the person reaching, I can only try my best and hope it’s enough.
Yesterday was a beautiful day, one like no other, and there will be no other day like yesterday. Trying to measure today against yesterday, takes away all the efforts of today, a day that exists in it’s own realm like no other.
I going to have to take the stage soon, speak to a bunch of people I would have gathered, and it makes me feel like I might in fact actually be a crazy person. The truth is, no one asked me to do this. I could have just let it go, accept my reality as it was and carried on with life. Alas, when I tried to rest my head at night, all that echoed was ‘change the things I cannot accept’. So, here I am, adding something else to my plate so that I sleep better at night.
I will try my best, and dear reader, I thank you in advance for your well wishes.
