064. The Gym

Earlier today, I received a text to which I responded, 'if you wait until you want to do it, you might end up starting after your deadline'. 

Today has been quite a long day, but, for the first time all week, I do not feel the tired weight of my eyes. My bedtime is fast approaching but, I'm okay.

The last few hours, I felt as though I was taking note of every minute, calculating the distance between then and my bed. To do so, I had to calculate the time between then and this moment; the time to finish eating, the duration of the drive home, then finally I would reach here, a currently unknown number of words between now and my bed. 

Today, I started the gym.

I am not sure if that is the correct verbiage for gym going. Do you start at the gym, start the gym, start working out at the gym, start going to the gym? Unknown. However, today, I did that.  

For some time now, I have wanted to join a gym. Before I started my little at home workouts - walks, yoga, stairs - the initial goal was to join the gym.  

The first time I ever used the gym was after I finished high school. I was home alone, and without social life or companionship. It was one of the toughest periods of my life. I found myself in some awfully dark places. I had joined the gym with the odd hope of potentially finding someone I could call friend or interact with while I was there. Of course I wanted to workout and stay active but I also hoped for some basic human interaction. When my awkward nature made it impossible to start a conversation, I got tired of going somewhere, just to be somewhere. Another place where I would be reminded of my solitude and my failings at attempting to escape it.

The next time I went to the gym was in university. I made a friend who had gone for a few sessions and she asked me to tag along so, I figured, why not. I probably went to the gym about 5-7 times in that first period. Eventually I stopped. When the place began to feel as though it was too far, I let go. Yet, months later, I found myself back in that gym for another week or two. Then, I moved somewhere with a gym. Whether I used it or not, the rent had already been paid. Every now and again I would make use of it. At times I was a regular goer, then, nothing.

It was always been an odd relationship I have had with the gym. After one of the times I had stopped going to the gym and wanted to start again, I figured that the convenience was insufficient to get me out of bed and into the gym. I would always find a way to talk myself out of it so, I figured I had to make the negotiation harder. For some time, this worked. It was enough to get me out of bed, go for a short walk outdoors and arrive at the gym. Then one day, it wasn't. I guess once you've spent the money you've spent it, whether you go to the gym or not, the money will not return.

After some time, you start to question the environment, and that's what I did. I moved away from the gym and tried something else. The university nearby had a swimming pool, so, that became my new form of exercise, and I quite enjoyed it. Unfortunately, that part of journey started right as I was about to uproot my life. My swims we sufficient for me. Would it have become something I would dropped eventually, that was likely, and eventually I did. 

The body, mind and soul yearn for movement. There is only so long you can go depriving yourself of it. Eventually, you find yourself trying to access it. Whether through a gym, or a pool, movement is nice. So, you end searching for 'gyms near your area', but this time, you can't be bothered donating money to another gym, so, you try something different.

I had to prove to myself that I would go to the gym before I could allow myself to go to the gym, again. Every day, just walk out your front door, and walk up and down the stairs. Okay, I've done it. Then, just go for little walks in the neighbourhood. Yea, I quite like this. Alright then, would you want to explore further, just walk and turn around when you know you've had enough. Okay.  

Then, in no time, but also somehow feeling life forever, a year passes. You've done it. You can trust that you will push yourself to try, even if it is only 500m, you will try. 

In some way, the gym to me has a story of 'unnatural' feel. I often find myself feeling awkward. Frustrated by the constant reflections and the odd grunt from across the room. However, in all my 'at-homing', I have not been able to create a routine that can afford me the strength the gym can. So, this time, I do not need to convince myself, I just need to go.

Weights less than what would have felt like flapping my arms that two years ago, had me shaking trying to reach the fifth rep. I'm weak, and there is nothing wrong with that. Strong men were not born strong men, they were little boys once. Similarly, strong women are not just made strong, they build their strength over time.

It's past my bedtime now and I am realising I need to shower. 'You are currently operating at capacity; for each new activity to enter your day, one must go.'

Soon, I will have a better handle on all of this, until then, I am still just me, trying to figure it out. So, thank you for spending this time with me. I hope you come back tomorrow to see how week one of the final 30 days will end. Thank you dear reader :)