035. The Self

Apparently, the 'self' does not exist.

Earlier today, I was speaking to my sister, and she brought up this book she was a fan of but, found hard to read in the sense that it was a lot of work to keep up with all of the characters in the universe of this book. The book, being over a thousand pages long, was somewhat boring but, captivating in its boringness. In reading it, she learnt there were truly 'so many different and amazing ways one can write'.

Hours later, in the shower, having had moved on from the conversation, I began to think about what I would be writing later on. The idea my sister had brought up earlier then begun to dance around in my mind, until it found itself a dancing partner, the idea of self.

When I think about what I will be writing for The Full Send, first, I shuffle through ideas and thoughts of things that could be of value or, dragged out into something that could potentially create value. When I then do find something, the internal monologue changes. Almost like changing accents, my thoughts' cadence and vocabulary change. For instance, that is the first time I have ever used the word 'cadence', I don't speak like that but, apparently, I write like that.

During my shower session, I was able to notice my thoughts change from the ‘regular' random shower thoughts, to the more structured Full Send thoughts. Normally, my thoughts come and go as they please. I try to make sure my thoughts are positive or neutral but, there isn't really much they have to be beyond that. They're just thoughts, like rain falling from the sky, they just fall. But, when I begin to think for The Full Send, the irrigation systems appear - channelling and filtering thoughts to make sure they can contribute towards, or, become something.

So, if how I think when I think of writing is not the way that I normally think, then, are those thoughts me?

If you have every written a school assignment or, ever had to send a work email, then you have gone through this performance as well. There are days when I spend hours trying to figure out how to translate basic sentences into email jargon. There are days some of us spend at work and wonder who that person we were performing was, asking about the weekends of people we avoid if we were to see them in the in the 'real world'.

So, why do we cling so tightly to this notion of self. Why are we taught there is a self that we truly are; and, if under the influence, where the self 'truly' resides, why are we so quick to reject that as being part of our self.

When authors and playwrights, create hours of dialogue, why do we not consider those people to be them?

Are we all sitting somewhere on the spectrum of schizophrenia?

Perhaps I am simply exposing myself, and my need for a mental evaluation but, if ever you have said the words, 'I am not feeling like myself today', then you too subscribe to this notion of self.

If you were to meet me at a party, chances are we would likely fall into a conversation similar to this. Though the tone and language may differ, the concepts would likely be the same.

I would like to believe that if the self existed, it would be more of a concept. One that we translate into different formats dependant on the social setting. Preppy and cheerful around children, sombre and calm at work, warm and open around friends, soft and bubbly around lovers.

I suppose the notion of self is what we consider an A-typical mind - being able to adjust from environment to environment, and maintaining a level of consistency across the performance of each character.

Perhaps that's what Oscar Wilde meant when he suggested that the world was a stage. Our greatest performance will always be that of the self, so, make sure you put on a good show.

Dear reader, it has been fun this week. If I am being honest, I have been waiting for Friday since Sunday. Now that is here, I know it will be gone faster than it came. So, enjoy it. Enjoy every moment of this socially sanctioned break we get to take after every 5 days of labour. Honestly, the 5-day work week is so ridiculous. Like, how is this still a thing? I thought surely by now we would have remedied this. Like, we have machines and AI but, still we have to clock in for 5 days a week? Like, are we all aware that we can change things? Like…life doesn't have to be like this. To what end I wonder, to what end?

Alas, it is time for rest. So, I hope you enjoy yours, because this week, having had done our best and all we could, a little refresher in necessary. I hope you are back here on Monday, feeling fresh and rested.

Bon weekend!