090. The Final Send

Day 90 of the 90 days of The Full Send.

Like many other before it, I started, stopped. Started, stopped. Started, stopped. Then finally, and I am I certain it will be the one, I am finally here. I don’t feel ready but, with sleep breathing down my neck, I am as ready as I will ever be.

Some time ago I heard the phrase ‘life is hard. Being poor is hard, being rich is hard, being out of shape is hard, being fit is hard. Choose your hard.’

I often reference the idea that I could be otherwise partying or deep into binge. Whenever I find myself up late trying to get work done, the part of me that wants to argue for sleep, the part of me that wants to argue for the task to be carried out tomorrow, that part of me had centre stage for long enough. At some point, that part of me was no longer rendering any useful services, and the terms of that agreement had to be revised.

Thoughts really are things, and powerful things at that. I paraphrase but, thoughts are things. I think, therefore I am.

I do not believe until this moment that statement has ever made sense to me. I think, therefore, I am.

                             Exercise: Next time you are feeling as though you cannot do something, maybe it’s as simple as making your bed, going for a walk, or doing something you know you should. Please try the following exercise (assuming you are of sound body, if impaired, please adjust as you see fit). Please ensure you ‘say’, and ‘do’, at the same time.

                             SAY: I cannot lift my hand over my head.

                             DO: Lift your hand over your head.

SAY: I cannot wave my hand.

                             DO: Wave your hand.

                             SAY: I cannot stand up.

                             DO: Stand up.

If you have now completed this exercise, or you are wondering why you should even try it in the first place, then you first need to understand the importance of the story we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Over time, we have grown careless of with our language. We have confused capabilities, possibilities, and a simple lack of want, as being interchangeable. When we mean to say ‘I don’t want to stand up’, what we often end up saying is ‘I can’t’. When we mean to stay ‘I am not able to wave my hand at the moment’, we say ‘I can’t’. Before even trying, we lead with a belief that we are not capable, thus we do not see the possibilities, which in end leaves is in a state of a lack of want.

We then don’t want to do anything, because there is nothing we can do. However, at times, it is crucial to put yourself through random exercises where you show yourself that just because you said It cannot be done, that doesn’t you are not fully capable of achieving your desired result.

I spent a long time wanting to be someone who does something. Someone doing something, with places to be, and things to do in those places. I would have never imagined this as being a part of being a piece of the lifestyle of the someone I wanted to be. However, every day, every one of those day were I stared at a white screen, just hoping; praying I would able to find sequence, order, enunciation. Every day. Looming around every sunrise, another thought to deliver. But now, there is no more.

Life is hard. A compilation of extenuating circumstances, one after the other. Life happening, at every corner, and every turn. However, only we decide what we allow to define us. Only we write the stories of ourselves. Only we are capable of thinking into being.

I had a thought. I wrote thought. I shared the thought. Now…I wonder, I will I one day be able to say ‘I am a well, and widely read author’? I like this writing thing. It’s hard. However, at the end of the day, when I can finally close a thought, and end the day; I feel good knowing, a dept has been paid, to the version of me who dared to think that I was capable of such. 90 days!?!?! I mean, who does that. Why would one do that to themselves?

The simple answer is, you have to try and find out. Everything is hard. Eventually, it’s day 9, and you feel as though you are almost getting the hang of it. Then day 12, take forever to reach, but day 27 happened out of nowhere. Months later, day 90, and I cannot help but wonder where the time went.

Until we meet again, somewhere on this platform, thank you dear reader, for spending all of this time with me. If our worlds ever do collide, I wonder what adventure would ensue. With that dear reader, I shall be signing off. Knowing that I have done my best, again and again put my best foot forward, I am so excited to sleep the sleep I am about to sleep. Thank again dear reader!!! Goodbye.

For now.