083. Inner Turmoil

Somehow, I dropped the ball and missed a day. Honestly not sure how it happened but it did. The unfortunate thing is I only realise in the morning. There was not mid-sleep realisation that woke me and rushed me to my computer.

I have contemplated whether or not I would share that. Let it be known that I suffered a misstep and the line was broken. In truth, this experience has been truly devasting.

I feel really sad that I missed a day. Had it been a day when I was so tired I somehow dosed off then perhaps I would understand. However, it was nothing like that. It was completely unexpected, and very disorienting.

Last time there was a public holiday, I spoke about how my week had not been planned with that in consideration, so, my day was thus to be spent carrying out whatever work I had allocated for that day. This time, it was different. I knew the holiday was coming and I had made plans to allow for a catch-up midweek. Knowing that I would likely have some work I wanted to get done, I set my activities for the afternoon.

As it were, my day did not go as I expected. My guests arrived sooner limiting the time I would have had to complete my work. However, before I go to blaming my guests, I myself was running on a slow morning. Nothing had gone quite the way I had imagined it. Before I knew it, I was well into the plans I had set but it all felt as though the time had come so quickly and it was all happening so fast.

For much of my life now, I have not been a festive person. The purpose behind holidays is not one that I have understood much, however, at times, the holidays come just when you need a break.

Unfortunately for me, that break came right in the middle of the week. Swept up in the experience of hanging with friends, having had spent much of the evening cooking and hunting for ingredients, somewhere along the way, it felt as though it was safe to let go. It felt as though the weekend had approached and that breather was finally being had.

There is no point in hating myself. Whatever inner turmoil that exists, I have spent all day trying to justify, trying to make peace with, trying to be accepting and understanding.

After all the effort I have made to meet goal daily, it makes me feel a little shaky. As though the trust I am trying to build with myself is at risk. So, I can’t forget. I cannot disregard the experience of realising. That is something I must live with, that is something I must learn to grow from.

Getting to these final 30 days has been quite the journey. An experience that I am grateful I imposed on myself. As it is something that inspires gratitude within me, I want to try. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I want to show myself that I can set a goal, and to reach it, I will give it all I can, each day, until I reach that goal.

So, these things happen. Now the question is, what will be learnt from this experience?

Dear reader, I am trying to grow. So, thank you for sitting with me in this vulnerable moment. Now, I shall allow myself to write the entry for today, as the week is not over yet, and there is still much thought to explore. Thank you once again, now, please enjoy day 84.