061. Try Again Tomorrow
Recently, I was talking to my sister about motivation, and this is a concept that has been on my mind for a while now.
Like most of us, I have gone my whole life believing that motivation is the spark that lights up your desires and gets you going. I believed that one day, I would wake up and I would have summoned the energy I needed to get things going. Whatever the thing was, one day, I would wake up and my newfound energy would get me wherever it was that I needed to get to. In the last year, I have had to come to terms with the fact that this is not at all how things get going.
As I write this, I do not feel motivated, however, I just simply know that this is something that needs to get done so, I am doing it.
After months in an environment where I felt as though I had to become an echo of myself to survive, I am finally home but, I do not feel that same connection I once did with my work. I remember the notion, the ideas and concepts of what it is that I aim to accomplish, but now, the language and the embodiment of those beliefs feel like something I have to relearn.
Yesterday, I did something that I know I could not have done had I not let myself believe that it could have been accomplished. My belief in my ability to complete the task allow me to keep my head down long enough for me to achieve my desired outcome. Granted, the outcome was not perfect but, for that moment, it was more than enough, it was everything.
Today, I am trying to ride that high in order for me to allow myself to believe that as long as I do not faulter on my belief in my ability then, at the end of the day, I will be able to reach my desired outcome.
In practice, it feels much different. Today, as I walk around my place of work, I feel as though I am merely pretending to be myself. An imposter in a life that I created for myself. An imposter in a life that I was already feeling a heavy sense of imposter syndrome. However, the day is never really that long, eventually, it comes to an end. You go home, a place where the performance need not follow you, so for a moment, you allow yourself to just be.
For much of my life, I have believed that motivation is the fuel that keeps the spark alive. When I did not believe that, it is likely that I believed consequences worth avoiding would be a good enough fuel. In truth, doing something because you fear the outcome if you don’t, can be quite a daunting amount of pressure. Instead of running toward something, you spend your life in a highspeed chase trying to escape the consequences of choices not made.
Eventually, you get tired. You tire from the constant stressing of 'okay, if I don't do this then this will happen', 'if I don't do this, then I am this kind of person or, I'm just three slip ups way from becoming this person'. Eventually, you get tired of the haunting consequences and think, 'let them come'. At some point, dealing with whatever real or imagined consequences becomes the lesser of the two nightmarish scenarios you are putting yourself through. So, gone are your goals, and your haunted nightmares of not fulfilling them.
Then one day, you tire from this. All the stories you have told yourself, all the torment you have put yourself through, eventually, you cannot stand the person you have become so, you get up, and you do something; because, only doing the thing, is doing the thing.
You get up, and you literally do anything. Whatever random task that springs to mind as long as it is not what you are doing now. As long as it does not echo the path that led you to finally getting up. You live, because that is the only thing there is to do. You do something that makes you feel like you are doing something. Something that allows you to believe that one day, for as long as you allow yourself to try again tomorrow, eventually, you will be grateful that you finally decided to get up, and do literally anything.
Perhaps, what we mean to say is, if I do this today, then at the end of the day, it will give me something to be grateful for. Something that makes me want to try again, with even more care and effort. Even though the experience might fill me with nerves or, writers' block or imposter syndrome, then today, and every day that I do, I will be grateful for allowing myself the opportunity to try and see what I was capable of.
No, I have not felt very motivated to do much today. However, I made an agreement with myself some time ago so, the things had to be done. All I had to do today was push the needle a little further, and that I did. And somehow, as I near the end of this thought, I want to do more. I want to stay and continue exploring thought. I have no idea what I would write about but, I would like to imagine it would be entertaining enough to make me break curfew on a school night. Alas, the girl works, so the day must end, for another to begin.
Though I may lack motivation, I am grateful that I tried, and in trying, I have somehow reached a serenity that makes trying again tomorrow look like an opportunity that I definitely do not want to miss. So remember, if you want to do something, want it, until you want to do it, then when you do it, keep wanting it, because, only doing the thing is doing the thing. And on the days when it feels tough, remember that want and remember that at the end of the day, you will be grateful that you gave yourself the opportunity to try.
Dear reader, thank you for being there for me to write to. Though no one has been checking daily for my updates, it's nice to imagine someone waiting for the next article like 'previously on…'. So, welcome back to the full send. I really needed that break, perhaps I'll tell you more about it in the pages to come. Until then, I have tried my best today and I am eager to see what my best will be tomorrow.
