049. The Villain

You are the villain in someone's story.

I imagine that most of us were raised being taught to treat others with kindness; extend the same warmth to others as we ourselves would like to receive. I am certain most of us go through life doing just that. Some among us, go the extra mile to the point where they forget to extend that kindness to themselves, thus, their extension of kindness becomes detrimental to their own livelihoods.  

Some years ago, I found myself in one of the most toxic situations in life. I suppose along the way, I made a series of decisions that led me there, but, it somehow felt as though I had just woken up one day and found myself stranded on a disserted island. A period that lasted a few months feels like several years when I look back at it. 

In high school, I was diagnosed with RBF (Resting B***h Face). This meant that to people who didn’t know me, they would be quick to assume that I was not the nicest person based on my expression alone. If we did not get past a brief interaction, the sentiment would likely be justified by my sometimes monotonous way of speaking - something my sister has pointed out. However, all my friends have pointed out that if you are able to get past those brief interactions, I am a pretty decent person. I won't go so far as to say I am a nice person as I have been told plenty of times that nice people do not need to point out that they are nice. 

As that is the natural resting state of my face, I have not been able to escape that allegation. More so, when that is the first assumption people make about you, it becomes a lot harder to present beyond that first impression that is assumed by you simply existing. To compensate for that assumption, you make more of an effort - try your best to avoid that allegation coming to your character as well. 

I spent what felt like years, in a toxic environment because I was afraid of being seen as a horrible person. I took every ounce of kindness and warmth that I had and offered it to everyone around me. In the end, I was left with nothing but hatred for myself.  

Every day I showed up with a smile, I sunk myself deeper and deeper into a hole that felt inescapable. With the fear of being perceived as a b***h, I isolated myself. I got angry with the person who was holding me hostage and hated myself for being my own prison guard. 

Fortunately, I grew tired. I realised that there was no judgement that could come from anyone else that could harm me as much as I own. I accepted that I was the horrible person that everyone would think I was, and, I freed myself. I walked away and for the first time in what felt like years, I had offered myself a moment of kindness. 

Worrying about what other people will think of you when you choose to do something for the benefit of your own stability is completely normal. However, when it becomes the guiding principle of your life, you end up in a cage of your own making, with the assumptions of other people's thoughts as your only companions. 

I have come across people who did not like me but did not know me beyond my name and face. I allowed this to occupy so much of my mental space. Wondering what I could have done wrong and trying to figure out how to win them over. The only thing that I learnt from that was that sometimes, people just don't like you and there is nothing you can do about it. 

I have been heartbroken when I learnt that people who I thought were my friends, did not like me. That haunted me. Left me wondering what I had done wrong or what I could have done to make things different. What I learnt was that sometimes, you are just what's available, and other times, people do not see their wrong doings. Other times, the alignment is simply off, and that's okay. 

If you cannot treat yourself with kindness, how can you be sure what you extend to others is kindness.

Be warm, be kind, but, be mindful and accept that without raising a finger or speaking a word, there are people who have already painted you as the villain.

Dear reader, hello. This was really tough to write. I feel as though this is one of those pieces I want to give space and some breathing room. Perhaps this could be more, but for now, it is finished. Another day, another canvas, I will see what thoughts emerge. For now, I have done my best and it was truly all I could. I look forward to seeing how the week ends, I hope you are back here tomorrow to find out.