048. Forest Of Doubt

It is a lot easier to 'go for it' when you are surrounded by people who believe in you. 

There was a point in my life when I longed for security. I wanted to know that I would have a job that I could steadily rely on. No need to worry about whether or not I would get enough shifts to make it through the month, or worry about having to find another job because the one I had would sustain me. When I finally got it, it was a relief. I remember jumping around when I received that first paycheque, because I could trust that there would be more that looked like that one or better. 

That lasted for a little while, but like all things, it came to an end eventually. Unfortunately, a job alone was not enough to grant me the stability I needed. When I was unable to find a place to call home after searching the rental market for months, I had to let go of the life I had grown to know as my own. It was one of the toughest things I had done in my life but I knew, for it to work, for me to not fall apart, I had to allow myself to believe that this was the best thing for me.

Sometimes letting go is the best decision. 

For years, I had been going against the grain and fighting the tide. I was living in survival mode, trying to do whatever worked. A place that was meant to be my creative haven, became a battlefield for survival. Creativity came by rarely, and when it did, I would fight to hold onto it. I tried to create as much as I could, but, when my top priority was maintaining what little security I had, those moments of creativity were quickly drowned out in tiredness.  

I spent years of my life slowly shovelling dirt into the grave that was my creativity. Eventually, being a creative was just something I remembered about a past self. I found myself having to rewrite to story of who I could be because I 'needed' to find something that was 'practical', something that would further my survival.  

At some point, I got myself a pocket sketchbook and I let it live in my little work backpack. I wanted so much to remain tethered to the creative within me but, when I put my head down at night, I prayed for my survival and, that is all I got. I wanted for more, but, the want for survival drowned out any hoping for more. 

I woke up every day and lived in a world where all I was, was all I could be. Colleagues would snicker behind the backs of those who aspired for more. Be it a promotion in the workplace or a move elsewhere. I remember working with people who would spitefully talk about quitting if specific colleagues were to get promoted. It was one of those places where you could only wonder what they would say about you when you miss a day of work. Eventually, you would let go of any hope of there being a life that could be better and accept that space as all there was. 

I hated leaving. Attachment is funny that way. It pumps you full of amnesia and all you are left remembering are the moments of laughter you shared.

Then, almost miraculously, your creativity returns along with your faith in your ability to create something out of nothing. You wonder why and how it all could have felt so heavy and tiring at one point when all of a sudden, hours and days get lost in your world of creativity. To the outside world, you are seen as passionate about your craft, but to you, you are doing the only thing you know how to do - trying.  

Something that once inspired embarrassment, creates obsession. Your obsession then creates a passion. Your passion then creates a body of work. At some point, you dare to share your work, then, something happens. You receive the love, you receive the praise, but, somewhere in the mix, there are people who then begin to question who you think you are.  

At first, it's small, you can brush it off your shoulder. Then, you are asked if you are sure. Later, you are reminded of the practicalities of life. Eventually, you too begin to wonder. 'Am I sure?' 'I mean, who do I think I am.' 'Perhaps I should stop. Do something practical.' Before you know it, you are looking at your body of work with shame, filled with embarrassment because you allowed yourself to believe there was another path. Passion gone, obsession dimmed, and inspiration, a distant memory. 

It takes a lot to believe in yourself. It takes even more to hold that belief steady. It would be a lot easier to 'go for it' if you were surrounded by people who believed in you but, even when they do, sometimes their well-intended questions can plant seeds of doubt that can quickly grow into a whole forest of doubt.

I suppose this is often why people say not to share your aspirations with others. In so doing, you invite their doubts, anxieties and fears into your world. In so doing, you risk returning to a space where all you pray for is survival.  

Survival is good, but remember, there is more to life than just surviving. Want for more, and allow yourself to grow in an environment that helps you believe that you will get it.

Finally! The day is near its end. I have done my best today and I hope that you allow yourself to rest knowing truly, that you did all that you could today. Dear reader, I hope you are back here tomorrow for another day on this 90-day journey. :*