039. Days Off
There is something calming about walking around aimlessly.
Majority of my day was spent in one of those fuzzy headspaces. Running on poor sleep, trying to organise my emotions while my mind was scrolling through the many open tabs. Some experiences you cannot avoid, instead you just go through them knowing there will be good waiting down the line.
Sometimes I wonder if there has ever been a time when people simply were. No expectation, no pending task, no room for procrastination, just being.
On my days off, I often find myself in an anxious countdown of the new week up ahead. Often trying to force myself to rest, relax and be, because I know soon the opportunity to sleep-in will be gone; and if you have ever tried relaxing, then you know that relaxation is incompatible with trying. The harder you try, the less relaxed you feel.
Earlier today, I was thinking about how lovely this week has been. The words have come much easier than they have in past weeks. Now, almost as to mock the moment of joy I had earlier, the words seem to have vanished.
Perhaps, in my moment of joy, I got a little overconfident. Now, I am just trying to find enough words to fill the page so I can say I have done something. Trying my best not to try. Which if you can imagine, is a rather complex task.
Have you ever tried to stop thinking about something? For some bizarre reason, that sets off the avalanche of thoughts and in no time, you are buried under a mountain of thoughts with which you want to part in. This is somewhat like that. Expect, it's like trying to swim in a swallow pool that is slowly draining.
Considering I have previously spoken about not trying too hard, it would be expected that I would know a thing or two about it, especially in this writing space. However, there is a delicate balance of trying and not trying that achieves the most desirable outcomes. Finding it, somehow requires a degree of trying, then, knowing when to let go.
On the off days, that balance is especially hard to find. I often find myself trying to bridge that disconnect only to overwhelm myself and put myself in a headspace where all I can think of is shutting down. Curling into a ball, hitting pause and trying again on another day. However, in that fetal position is when all the notification on those open tabs start going off. Denying any opportunity for pause.
Truth is, there is no shutting down. If you dream, your thoughts will likely follow you there. If you are not a dreamer, they will be there waiting for you the moment you wake, maybe if you're lucky, a few moments after waking. My experience through life has shown me that there is no avoiding life.
As long as we live in a world where there are expectations and pending tasks, there will always be room for procrastination. If not dealt with, all the opportunities to be, will be lightly haunted and filled with the pressure of trying not to be so haunted.
So, I like going for walks. Aimlessly wondering, existing and being. No destination, no reason, just being. Somewhere along the way, the mind clears. The expectations and tasks remain but, for a moment, you are just another being wandering through life.
I have surely done my best to both try and not try. I hope you are back here tomorrow as we attempt to find balance in this beautiful world of ours. Thank you for your company :)
