028. Mindful
Lately I have been filling every silent moment I can with 'mindful' consumption.
I think I have gotten way too intimidated by my goals.
Anytime I try to do anything, I am stuck looking at the expected/aspirational outcome. I see the grandiose and the magnitude of what everything could be, and I feel nervous to take the next step. I find myself in a place where I am struggling to define what the next step should be even though I know, if I don't move, there will be no next step.
So, I find myself trying to practice selflove because I know, self-hate does not create any room for growth and understanding. I do not want to spend my days in a pity party with my drowning aspiration as the only audience member so, I don't.
I try my best to give myself the space to allow my mind to rest in order to open the door for creativity, but, what ends up happening is complete avoidance carried by the anxiety of not doing anything; which only creates noise in my mind that I then find myself trying to shut out with whatever video essay seems 'insightful'.
All of this sounds and seems so self-aware but, as previously discussed in 5-4-3-2-1, 'self-awareness on its own is meaningless'.
This is not the first time I have had to navigate this headspace and try make sense of this awareness. Articles 026, 021, and 014, carry a similar sentiment. More do too and, they navigate this idea from different perspectives. The conclusion I can draw at this point would be; do what you can, when you can.
Somehow, those times when something can actually be done, are only being pushed further and further away by 'mindful' consumption - avoidance of silence.
Without silence, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to think freely. When we constantly have alternative narratives being dictated to us, the room for our own thoughts to blossom is overtaken.
There are times when a good show can allow your mind the rest it needs as an idea you are working on to develops in the background. Then, there are times when a show plants new thoughts for you mind to water, taking away the focus from whatever it is you wish to actually focus on.
Today's entry won't be long. It is a reminder that silence is not the enemy. It is a reminder that the destination is not the price, the journey is.
I genuinely love the work that I do, I would do it for no pay.
It is intimidating to try at something. I have found myself questioning my suitability. In so doing, I have created friction between myself and the tasks I know I am fully capable of doing. Perhaps, there is someone who would be better suited than I, perhaps there are many someones. However, those people are all busy doing all that they are doing. So, that questioning only does harm to me.
Mindful or not, consumption is still consumption.
Wanting for something got me started. However, enjoying what I do will be the fuel that will help get to the next point then, the one after that.
Dear Reader, thank you once again for your time. I hope you allow yourself some time to sit in silence, away from consumption, some of your best ideas are waiting for you there.
I have tried my best today and it was all I could but, tomorrow, I aim to do a little more. I hope you are back here tomorrow to find out how that goes.
