077. September

Sometimes you just have to sit in front of your computer and hope for the best.

It’s happening again, the words are fighting me. My hand thought coordination is suffering from a disconnect, a low signal. The thoughts occur in my mind, but my hands seems to freeze as they try to make the words appear on my screen. How frustrating, and all I can do is hover with my hands over the keyboard. Trying to find a word that will allow for another word to follow, and another one after that, then another after that one too.

I find myself trying to shock my hands into action. Like jumping out of bed, and hoping that shock of cold is enough to get you going but, instead you find an argument for 3 more minutes while your slowly ease yourself into the cold world outside of your sheets. The thoughts are there, however the translation into words seems slow.

Do you ever wonder what if? What if you were that other person?

For so long now, I have measured my years from September. I suppose for me, it makes sense considering that is when my time on this earth began. Of course, there are countries and institutions whose years start in September, however, that is not the measure I am using. Though, it is nice to know that it is a time for beginnings for many people, and not only those born in the month of September.

A year ago, I was not where I was today, the Unnamed Project did not exist in the way it does today, that did not happen until January - February, this year. What I didn’t know at the time, was the Unnamed Project was about to meet a series of catalytic events that would lead to its eventual realisation.

A year ago, I had been working on a project that I thought would be my everything, my new way of life, my brainchild, but what I did not know was it was all going to fall apart in a matter of days. What was my newfound ‘guiding compass’ would soon be taken away and I would soon find myself feeling lost and without anything. I was distraught for a moment, unsure, nervous. What I thought were going to be the next steps of my life, gone. I wanted for myself to not be lost, I wanted to be back on that project.

I would love to say that I just figured it out and got on with it, but, I had support – the encouragement and faith of those closest to me. Without it, I perhaps could have found myself believing that that had been my only shot and I had missed it. Perhaps I would have done whatever it took to be in a position that was not capable of valuing me. Instead, I found myself a beautiful plain notebook, and I learnt to grow.

One page after the other, one thought after the next. One hope, that paved the way for a million other hopes. One want, to be someone, who does something.

The way I saw it, there was nothing left to lose, so my actions would be of no consequence. So, I tried. Every day, I tried. I would something to be done, and do it. Day after day, task after task, eventually, all of these activities began to look something. Something conceivable. Something that could be perceived as something someone was doing. Perhaps even a sensible someone. Someone with something to show, with something to say, something to lose. Then all of a sudden, nerves.

Then again, the pause returns. The words almost seem to runaway as quickly as the thoughts form. Not at a loss of words, nor a loss of thoughts. Simply going through a tunnel where the connection between the two seems to be affected. However, the only way out is through. So, I sit in front of my computer and hope for best as I reach for the keys hoping the words find their way out. In the end, I am glad I tried. In the end, the nerves served merely as a distraction, a temporary and passing moment one needn’t pay any attention.

We often overestimate what we can achieve in a day, and underestimate what we can achieve in a year.

I cannot believe another September is so soon upon us. I cannot imagine myself being anyone else. I cannot imagine myself wanting to be someone else. I am truly grateful for the girl I once was, I am so grateful I did not get the thing I wanted the way I wanted it back then; because sometimes, truly great things happen when you pick yourself up and try.

Dear reader, thank you. I hope you were able to find moments of peace in your day today, and I hope tomorrow, you will be back here to share another moment with me and my thoughts.