058. Excitement
Time flies when you are trying to go to sleep.
Over the last few weeks, whatever notion of a sleep schedule I had has completely gone out the window. I find this very upsetting considering just a few months ago, I had finally managed to create a decent schedule for myself after years of brutally struggling to do so. Now that I can confidently say that I will be back to my normal life soon, I wonder if the systems I created for easy defaults towards good habits will still work.
The early weeks of my sojourn were anxiety filled with the stresses of trying to hold on to a life that did not suit the environment I had found myself in. When I realised that the only way for me to feel okay was to accept the change and trust that I would be able to find my way back to my old habits, the anxiety lifted. However, lately, I feel somewhat haunted by all the change, and a little anxious that stepping back into my old life will not be as easily done as I imagined.
Though I already spoke a little about this concept in entry 050. My Sojourn, I feel I have a little more to say. There is a saying, 'the only way out, is through', so, that is what I am attempting to do.
One of the things that you learn when a relationship ends, be it with a friend or lover, is that you have to allow people to be who they are.
Often, towards the end, we cling on to who the other person once was, or, who we believed they could be. In doing so, we ignore the person right in front of us as we try to force them to be someone who they are either uninterested or, incapable of being. We fall in love with the stories we once told about them and it makes it painful to let go, and accept that people can change, or in some cases, stay the same.
Though I have only been this adaptive version of myself for a brief period, I wasn't the other version of myself for very long either. After nearly a year of existing in somewhat stable circumstances, I had to travel. My short journey affected me in ways that I could not have imagined. Though I feel confident that I would not have been able to adapt the way I did had it not been for the time I spent trying to become a version of myself I could be proud of, I still feel nervous that I may have changed in ways that will require much effort to unlearn.
Sometimes, we hold onto our survival tactics much longer than they would be beneficial. Perhaps that is what is happening here. The survivor in me only knows how to survive, so, survive she shall. However, the time for survival is coming to an end, and now, I fill with anxieties of being the person I had to let go of in order for me to survive. I suppose we wouldn't be such layered individuals if every aspect of ourselves worked in every environment.
Some time ago I learnt that chemically, anxiety and excitement are the same emotions in our brains, the only thing that differs is the interpretation of the chemical reaction. Though letting go of the stories I told myself about who I was here, creates emotions that resemble anxiety, I am excited to finally let go of this part of my life. Letting go does not mean that who I was here was any less a part of me, it is an acknowledgement that I no longer need to live in the boundaries of that experience. It is an acknowledgement that this experience does not define me. It is an acknowledgement that this experience is among the millions of experiences that will shape who I grow up to be, and who I choose to be.
So right now, the world seems one way, and I am so excited to see what form it takes tomorrow. So many hours have come and gone, but finally, it is my time to sleep.
Dear reader, I am considering taking a little 10 day break after day 60. I am unsure, though, I am thinking about it. Then I can give the final 30 days a refreshed energy after taking some time out to recalibrate. Unknown. However, for today, I have done my best and I can finally end my day knowing I have done all that I can. I hope you are back here tomorrow for another day on this 90 day journey.
