055. Saving Inspiration
Motivation is the result, not the fuel.
Every day, I make the effort to show up and create something. Lately, that has felt a lot tougher. Initially, I assumed it was because of all the movement occurring during my days. Though, even on the days when there has been little to do, writing somewhat feels like a task constantly looming over my head. Alas, I am trying to stay true to a commitment I made some months ago.
Today, I was asked if leaving social media has made me feel more creative. Considering that it has been over a year now since I parted ways with the apps, it seems harder to tell if it has.
When I first left social media, it was because I noticed how much of my time was getting lost saving inspiration for my 'future life', and none was being spent doing the things that could draw me nearer to a place where this ideal life could be actualised. I didn't know what I was going to do with my time but, I trusted that along the way, I would figure it out.
When I found myself feeling awkward, unsure of what to do with my time, redownloading the apps seemed tempting. However, the longer I stayed away, the more the reasons built. Not knowing what to do with my time became too inadequate a reason to go back. Over time, insecurities of inadequacy began to dissipate. Then at some point, I couldn’t understand why I would want to be constantly glancing through the lives of strangers, using them as a measure of my own self-worth when I knew nothing about them beyond a well curated profile.
With less being sold to me, it became much easier to know the things I truly wanted. Enough time spent on the algorithm, you desires begin to be shaped by it. Your style, language, possessions, opinions, all begin to mirror the newness that filters its way into your algorithm. Eventually, you are unable to tell if you really did like something, or, if you have just seen it so many times in the possession of so many people who appear to have idyllic lives.
The reality of life is that our dreams are only as big as our realities' input allows them to be. If you never saw someone achieve something that may feel impossible in your community, then you would likely never have the capacity to dream beyond your reality. However, when your reality just becomes consuming dreams, there are no waking hours left to bring your dreams into reality.
If social media felt the way it did to be around your friends, then perhaps there would be no need to turn away from it. Instead, it can often feel like going through people's darkest impulses. Comment sections that make you wonder if you too should be insecure. Comments that make you feel the shame of trying before you even start. Opinions that could lead you to believe the world is a cruel place.
The truth is, there is kindness that exists in those spaces. Unfortunately, our minds have a way of hyper fixating on the negative input, so, what stands out is the harshness. A space that inspires fear if you dare go against the grain of what is algorithmically appropriate. Before you can allow yourself to exist as yourself, you learn to run your thoughts through the filters of what the algorithm deems safe.
It is hard to tell if distance from social media made me feel more creative, but, I do know, for the most part, my thoughts and opinions feel personal to me. My fear of cancellation is lower as I personally know the people I am social with. I do not worry about opening my phone and seeing that all my friends are hanging out without me because if they were, they would have to tell me for me to know. I do not delude myself to feel as though I know the goings on of people's lives because I saw an engagement photo. If you don't tell me personally about something that is going on in your life, then, you simply did not feel as though it was information that I needed. In turn, I no longer feel possessive over the updates from the lives of others who I simply do not talk to.
The things I think about are not the same as they once were. I have a lot more room in my mind to wonder and ponder. Room to think about things that I find interesting, rather than things that other people think are interesting.
Reaching creativity remains a challenge with or without the apps. However, I do know, when I want something, it is because I want something. So, on the days when it's hard to make it to the keyboard, I cannot escape into the lives of other people. I must sit there with my silence and wait for something to happen; because being motivated, though inspiring, can only get you so far. You just have to do what you said you will do and trust that the motivation will be the reward you get for showing up on the days when you are just tired and want to turn away.
Dear reader, this has been an interesting week. I am truly glad it is over because I could use a break from trying to organise thoughts. I hope you too can end your week knowing that you have done your best. I look forward to having you back here on Monday to continue the journey fresh and rested.
