041. The Sickness
‘Depression is like a cold, some people are taking their medicine’ and others, well…
I would like to preface this thought by saying that this thought more experiential and opinion based than it is formally research based. It also draws from the experiences of those who have experience depression thus, making it socially researched.
In my first year of university, I was flatmates with an individual who I often found infuriating. Especially, when we stumbled into conversations about mental health. He was of those people who believed depression and anxiety weren't real. His experience had shown him that the people who claimed to be suffering from these conditions were either faking or, looking for attention. Having had struggled personally through several bouts of depression, I wanted to argue the reality of the situation but, as a person who did not want to claim the label, I was often at a disadvantage in those conversations. In the end, I settled for trying to get him to understand that not everyone was performing.
When he would explain his perspective, there was some understanding that could be drawn from it. At the time, it seemed as though everyone had something and was on something. In class, my peers would often speak about their struggles almost with a sense of pride, comparing prescriptions and listing off their symptoms. There was an aspect of it that provided comfort as it took away some of the stigma around the topic of mental health. Though, that same comfort provided, almost acted as an advertisement agency for anti-depressants.
I had come from an environment that was very sceptical and judgemental around topics of mental health so, I was glad to be able to be in a space were other people were not only going through similar struggles, but speaking openly about them. However, the conversations started at the struggles to get support, and ended at prescriptions. There was no coming together to attempt and solve the issue. Being depressed was an illness that once caught, was accepted as a part of your being and once you had it, that was who you were. You would now be destined to spend the next unknown amount of years going through rounds of medication until you found one that was just right for you. Then later, you would find others to share in the stories of your journeys to the balance of prescriptions that felt just right for you.
My sister has a story she tells almost once every year. When she was in university, she had her fair share of struggles with mental health. One day, in the depths of a depressive episode, her friends decided to invite her to join them on a stroll to go to the lake nearby for a picnic. In her low mood, she simply did not feel up to it, so, she shared her feelings with one friend who in turn, mirrored her low mood lost and her motivation to go out. When the other friend came to pick them up, it was now two against one, and the battle was lost. Both friends lost their motivation and when she noticed, she tried to turn things around but it was too late, no one had it in them to go for a walk. So, she found a compromise which they agreed to, and they ended up picnicking in the garden. Though the day was alright in the end, she says when she looks back at the pictures from that day, all she sees is the influence of her low mood on what could have been a beautiful day by the lake.
Considering the severity of the risks associated with depression, the acceptance of the illness into one's personhood is equally dangerous.
Though I do not agree with my flatmate, there is a sentiment in what he was saying that I can understand. Almost like a trend, there was a time when people claimed depression to the point where it became their personhood. Almost a performance - a refusal to acknowledge that it was an illness that can come and go and, also be recovered from. Instead, people were choosing to ignore the happy moments they were experiencing in their lives as fluke and choosing to opt back into the darkness of depression.
Apparently, we only experience the chemical reactions we call emotions for about 90 seconds. After that, either intentionally, or environmentally, we prolong the effects of the experience of those emotions. Some emotions truly cast shadows. However, when we are taught and accept some emotions as a part of our personhood, the shadows cast can last years. When we begin to believe that a sickness is all we are and can be, we stop to look for ways to recover.
For years I believed that the last time I was truly happy was as a tween. I disregarded any moments of happiness haunted by the basic reality of the flow of life. I wanted to be happy even though every moment of happiness I was offered I feared to relish as I knew it would soon be gone. In turn, I brought upon my own misery earlier than needed. When the sadness then came, I was proven right and allowed myself to wallow in the dark truths of life. However, moments are fleeting. Yes, some emotions cast shadows but, the inability to recognise fleeting moments, I believe, creates the sickness.
And yes, I am highly aware that depression is a lot more complicated than that but, imagine for a moment that depression was like the common cold, would you claim a cold as a part of your identity? Would you allow a cold to determine the outcome of your life? Would you allow a cold to dictate the kind of friend you would be? Or would you get some sunlight, stay hydrated, get some rest, and take your medicine.?
Imagine your depression is something you are capable of controlling, something you can recover from; it is not who you are.
I am not trying to convince you of anything but, imagine if you were capable of controlling how you felt. What would you do? What would you choose to feel?
Dear reader, I can't believe we're almost halfway through. I will likely write a follow up for this thought. There are still some pieces still floating around in my mind. In my head there are some thoughts that are not quite translating into words yet but, when they do, I look forward to sharing
I am feeling excited to start this week. I have done my best today and I look forward to seeing what my best will be this week.
