031. Life Is Long

A failure to plan, is a plan to fail.

The first time I interacted with this quote was at the age of 13, on a poster hung up on one of the walls of my maths classrooms. Back then, I didn't really have much to plan for. I would look at the poster and ponder over what it could be I was failing at as I had no plans in place. 

One of the things I miss about high school is the scheduling. Every minute of every day, predetermined by the all-knowing adults. All that was required of us was to show up and follow the schedule. Now as an 'adult', there simply would not be anywhere to show up without preparation. 

Years later, that little phrase hung up on wall feels like the determinant between life and death.

Over the course of the last 9 months, I grew quite fond of planning. Planning became easy when every day was nearly predictable. If I slept at a certain time, I would wake up at a similar time every day. If I ate at certain times, I could predict the energy I would have throughout the day, and plan for when my next meal would be due. Knowing all of that, I could easily schedule the best windows for productivity and almost every day felt like a success.  

When a little disruption occurred, it wasn't the end of the world but, the frustration was still there. But major disruptions, or consecutive little disruption, those felt like impending doom.

Lately, the predictability that made scheduling easy, feels a little of reach. The plans are there but, the energy…unclear. So, I think about hope.

Some years back, unsure when, I remember contemplating that hope was nothing but a form a torture. A belief that keeps you enduring suffering when letting go, would provide more comfort. 

At the time, all I had was hope and it was not doing for much me. I would spend my days hoping for change and when nothing happened, I would continue to hope some more. All I was doing was spending my days reminding myself that my life was not where I had hoped it was, and in turn, kept myself feeling haunted. It wasn't until I allowed myself to let go on any hopes of change that something begun to happen. 

At first, it was misery but, it was misery without hope. It was a simple acceptance that no change would occur so, I was better off dealing with life as it was. It lifted the stress that I had been allowing myself to endure every time I clung onto hope. Without it, I was free of the expectations that hope imposed.

Unfortunately, that state of being was unsustainable, for without hope, planning became impossible - stuck believing nothing can change and, too afraid to hope that things can change. With hope lost and planning gone, failure becomes the thing that remains. Until one day you will wake up and realise that life went on without you, everything changed but you. You remained the same, believing nothing could change. 

So I guess the solution was somewhere in the middle, or, something that could be better understood in time. 

When we live with the belief that life is short, everything must be done in the here and now. All results are expected immediately, and productivity is the tune that keeps echoing in our minds. When results are not found immediately, our hope, and belief in change are challenged. However, as mere humans, there is much we are incapable of understanding about the truths of time. 

For that reason, I have decided to start believing that life is long. If the answers do not arrive today, then in time, they will. Letting go of the pressure that hope imposes on a life that is short. To plan knowing that, if it is not achieved in a day, life is long, it will be achieved along the way. Because life is long, it is meaningless to lose hope when you don't know just how much life there is left to live.

Because I know I am not incapable of change, I know all hope is not lost. Because I know all hope is not lost, I know I am capable of making a plan. Because I know I am capable of planning, I know in time, success is the only option.

It is truly a triumph to get to this point. So, dear reader, I hope I have given you something to think about as we start another new week. I look forward to discovering what thoughts will surface this week, I hope you are here for those discoveries.

With that, I have done my best today and I plan to do all I can this week. :)