5-4-3-2-1

I guess practice makes easier.

Lately I have not been able to carry out my life in the way that I have gotten accustomed to over the last few months. 

My cousin makes fun of me for reading half a page of a book and getting up the next day and implementing the idea I had interacted with on that half page. I don’t think what I did was crazy. To some degree, I guess I could consider myself an impulsive person. However, I know I have a tendency of living in echoing thoughts that lead to inaction so, if I didn't try it there and then, then I would have wondered.

An easy example would be the thoughts that keep me in bed after my alarm goes off. A lot of 'whys' and 'if I just', of course, the standard 'just X more minutes'. All just poor attempts at rationalising when I know the only thing that needs to be done is getting up. I'll be honest, there are days I found that allowing myself another hour has been the better decision however, this is not about those days.

When I first interacted with the idea, I had been battling myself and my inactivity for longer than I could remain comfortable with. That idea was the excuse or the push I needed to jump up and do something. So, I took it and made it my own. At some point, when my alarm would go off, it was almost exciting to jump out of bed. I would start with one little victory and allow my day to build upon that feeling.

Today, there is so much time, growth and reflection that stands between me and that version of myself. Yet, lately, my thoughts have slowly started to hold me in my sheets longer. Even though I do not want to spend my hours lying in my sheets, I find myself longing to close my eyes and continue to live in dreams. It's a lot to confront. 

I would say I have always been a fairly self-aware person. What that taught me early on was, self-awareness on its own is meaningless. It feels like something - knowing - but, in itself, meaningless. What my self-awareness granted me was the opportunity to watch myself live like a prisoner in decisions I continually made, all while rationalising as to why that was simply how I, or, life was.

Eventually, something's got to give, right?

I suppose there is a part of me that is simply intimidated by myself. Intimidated by what happens when there is action to follow the self-awareness. The part that dreads the doing and longs to live in that continued dream.

I suppose it would be nice if I didn't feel the guilt of doing nothing. I suppose it would be nice if I didn't feel terrible for wanting more sleep even though I know I have received sufficient rest. I suppose it would be nice if I didn't feel less than for not moving my body, for not allowing myself to receive fresh air and natural light. I suppose it would be nice.

Fortunately, I feel terrible when I feel as though I am allowing myself to wither away and depriving myself of the basic support I need to feel like a person.

I suppose if all was well and good with my poor choices, that half a page would have meant nothing to me. I suppose I would have read it and thought to myself 'must be nice' then moved on. However, that is not what happened. I simply wanted for more - a life I could feel was worth living. Not a life I would look back to and see no contrast with that of a corpse. So, I guess, no, it would not be nice.

It would be terrible if I did not feel the guilt of doing nothing. It would be awful if all I wanted was to live in a never-ending slumber. It would surely be detrimental if I chose not to move my body, deprived myself of natural light and fresh air. That is a life I am grateful I make the conscious choice not to live.

I can see that if I continue the way I have the last few mornings, the bright colours of life itself might fade away. I could grow to be an echo, even a shadow of a person I have grown to love. A person I worked to raise to a level I could respect. My inaction would become the action that kills this self, the self that wants to continue trying. 

I would love to say that it is much easier to do nothing but, so far, I have not seen that to be the truth. When I stumbled upon that idea, I was desperate for change. Again, the idea has found me when I need it. Genuinely, I am intimidated because I know this means when I open my eyes tomorrow, I need to couple my self-awareness with action. It means no matter how nervous the great outdoors might make me, there is no other way to exist but publicly. I also decided that no matter what this article was, it would be the one I was going to practice self-promotion with - scary. 

It's not easy being me but, I know I would rather be this version of myself that intimidates me than the version of myself I have worked so hard to grow away from. 

So, to Mel Robbins, thank you for that simple idea, the 5-4-3-2-1 rule. Honestly not sure which book that was but, when that timer goes off, I know it’s time to launch off and there is no turning back.  

I am nervous and pleasantly intimidated because I know, practice will make it easier.