I was called here by a sudden urge to write. Almost as though the world will collapse all around me if I don't; but, I know that know to be true. Though perhaps, that may not be the truth for you.
It has been a while since I have done this sort of thing. To be honest with you, this feels nice. However, the more I think about how I want to express the way it feels for me to be here in this moment - writing, finally, focused - there more the words that float up to the surface that are simply not capable of expressing the way that I feel.
It is simple to say, I have missed this.
For me it is morning. It is rare for me these days to have morning where I can just tuck away into my little corner and do I please.
Lately, my life has been a lot of office time. For me this means being on the grounds of the employer, the premises, the campus, the compound.
Sometimes your greatest opportunity lies in your greatest problem.
In my first days at 'the job', I often found myself wondering what I should do with myself. I had never worked in an environment with structure. To me it was reminiscent of high school, but what isn't. I went in eager and ready to learn so for me, it was a learning environment. I suppose in a sense I was out looking for teachers. And that's how it was. I had to go and look for my own lessons.
Thus far, all the institutions I have been through have had much of a similar structure. You come in, there's a curriculum, available for your perusal. You learn it, then are tested against your key performance indicators, then some sort of certificate or accreditation is acquired. I am tempted to say I missed those days but, in the last few days, I have been thinking that perhaps those structures quite simply bored me.
It feels a little aggressive to go so far as to say they were a bore but, I have never been so enthralled with the problem at hand as I am now.
I could argue and say I tested well in school but, if you look a little closer, there was only so much room to grow. You would solve a problem, then at the level, solve the same problem, under a different name, with a longer equation. One minus two is zero until you’re 12 years old, then all of a sudden, such a thing a minus-one exists. Alas, why we cannot learn the right solution and its reasoning below those ages is beyond me. However, the is only so much joy that can be found in the practicing of equations that have long since had solutions many men before you and after you will continue to practice.
Some time ago, I accepted that I was never bored. Only ever avoiding the other things I could be doing in place of that boredom. There is always something to do, and even in itself, if done right, doing nothing can be quite the activity. I often find myself trying to carve out pockets of time where I can sit in the fullness of doing absolutely nothing. However, as I previously mentioned, I went into this new job, eager to learn. So when my peers moaned about there being nothing to do, I thought surely not. It is not possible that I have left the comfort my home, my personal workspace, to be in a compound where no one really cares if I get what I came after.
University was a strange transition for me. Leaving home was never of any concern to me. As a child of the diaspora, you are often the one who is always leaving. What was strange for me was the ‘freedom’. The limited oversight. Our tutors were mainly guides. One of my favourite tutors says, ‘you cannot teach ideas, only execution’. If you didn’t know what to do, they would show you potential ways you could generate ideas. When you had the idea, they would guide you through communicating it, then through realising it. However, for this whole sequence to start, you have so show up and ask questions. Without that conversation, little to nothing would be possible.
Then at some point, the job felt that way too. Nothing would exist for me if I did not make it so. Which meant, if there was nothing for me to do, it was pertinent I find something to do if I intended to stay, and I could carry on my learning and exploration. And that I did.
I walked around, and said hello. I knocked on doors, and asked some questions. The more questions I asked, the more answers I got. The more answers I had, the curiouser I grew. In the end, the compound turned into a campus. A place where the hellos were many, and the learning was readily available.
Though now, I feel the need to vanish. A desire to be scarce on the premises. I long for pockets like these, I long for structure.
Every day, I show up, and I put my best foot forward. I find something new to learn, and I grow a little more. However, I am of the belief that life is what you make it. If you do not feel as though you are able to do the things you need to do in the way that you need to do them, then take space and assess. So, I guess I am here to say that it is okay to take space. It is important to know that that time is not finite. There was time before you, and there will be time after you. However, from the moment you entered this world, the oceans did not dry, the trees did not wilt. Know that the world made space for you. Know that it is your responsibility to claim and occupy that space that only you, throughout all of time, are capable of occupying.
I am grateful to have found myself in an institution riddled with problems that I find excitement in finding solutions for. I would genuinely do it for no pay.
So, hello there. Today I thought I would start something new. I have no idea what form it will take but I felt it pertinent I write a letter to you, whomever you maybe. For some reason, it felt crucial that I let you know the space that I am in, the part of my journey I have arrived in. It felt urgent to use this as an opportunity to find structure, whatever that may mean.
I am yet to discover when the next letter will come. Until then, just know, will not only be finding the solutions to my greatest problems, I will be doing all that I can to realise that solutions.
Dear reader, thank you for spending this time with me. I hope you are well.
